Tuesday, January 28, 2014

When your heart aches.

Do you ever just have those days where your heart aches? It just misses something so much.

A few nights ago, I was laying in bed and in my mind I kept going back to the moment where I put Jack back in his crib one last time. That is the hardest part. You put down "your" baby and wonder when he will be held next. He cries because he likes this new feeling of being held and doesn't want to be put down.

I was saying goodbye to Jack for a very long time, thinking that I would not be back to Chenzhou in years. And Colin was with me. Our hips were glued together for those few days we got to spend together. It was perfect. Baby Jack, Colin, and me. Just for a few seconds, but a moment that will always be etched on my heart.

I'm having this constant battle. Do I go back to Chenzhou or not? It has a part of my heart, but is God calling me to something else? Part of me says to be open to other mission opportunities that will come about. But then another part of me says, if we don't go, who will? We've spent 5 years building these relationships, and to just stop would make those nannies wonder why we didn't come back.

I think of kids who get so happy to see us.

I think of Sky who laughs and jumps when she is hugged or her hand is being held. Normally she just sits with her head down on the bench.

I think of Ray who loves being held and loved, while he usually just stares at a tv.

I think of Sidney who cries in a corner, but has a chance of getting attention while we are there.

And then there are the school kids. You walk into where they are playing, and each kid finds "their" person. They cling to you and want to be tickled and talked to.

Then you bring the kids to church. What about the people who see you? They know where we are taking them.

So how can you say no to going back? Is it really money that I am afraid of?

So, I'm praying and I'm praying real hard. That things would fall into place, and that most importantly I would be in God's will. I would love it if you would pray with me and for me. 

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