Monday, September 30, 2013

Silence


Silence. It’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months. It’s what I do when something is hard or uncomfortable. I sweep it under the rug like it’s not even there.

But today I’m throwing a stake in this ground. This blog no longer something I expect people to read. It’s no longer a place where I’m going to care what people think.
This is now a place where I will be writing my thoughts and feelings and mostly what the Lord is doing in me and what He is teaching me. I’m gonna be super vulnerable and transparent. No regrets anymore. No apologies either. Just me.

I want this to serve as a place where I can look back on all the things the Lord has done through me. Through the good times and the hard times and the comfortable times and the times when I just feel like sweeping it all under the rug. It’s all gonna be written out right here on these pages.

And my prayer is that through all of this it will be an encouragement to one person. That maybe one day someone will be going through what I am/will go through and find encouragement within it. That they won’t feel like the only person in the world going through it.

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So now, for the silence to end.

I’ve been at school for a little over a month now. It’s weird typing that out. Part of me feels like it’s flown by and the other part of me feels like I’ve been here forever.

I don’t really know where to begin, so I guess the beginning will do.

The first two weeks were so hard. I cried a good amount everyday because of how much I missed my family. It killed me being away and feeling like I was missing out on the everyday things.

I kicked myself for taking these past eighteen years for granted. For not enjoying those simple on the couch watching movies with my parents moments. I let those sweet moments slip through my fingers, and now I was in college wishing I was back at home watching Breaking Bad with my parents in the living room.

I never felt so lonely. Everyday dragged on and I couldn’t imagine getting through the semester, let alone four years of this.

But my mom was so encouraging and we cried, laughed, and prayed together as best we could over the phone, and slowly but surely I got through it.

I studied James and then 1 Timothy and 2 Timothy. I dove into the Word everyday and it was the only thing that made it all better. I still missed my family, but I didn’t feel so alone.

He comforted me and He understood what I was going through.

Then, the anxiety hit in. Classes started and everything was in full swing. I wasn’t crying because of the homesickness anymore, but because of the pain in my stomach.  Everyday I woke up shaking and one day it got so bad that I lost feeling in my hands while getting ready.

I didn’t eat and all I did was worry and stress. About what? I don’t even know. But I couldn’t let it go. I wanted to control everything and do everything in my own power.

As time went on, this slowly went away. The stomach pains weren’t constant throughout the day, and now it’s just some shakiness in the morning. But it’s still a battle.

I have to wake up and surrender the day to the Lord.

I was listening to those demons of doubt and I was listening to the lies being whispered in my ears.

I have to shut them out. Whisper the name of the Lord. Yaweh. King of Kings. Lord of Lords.

And even then, it’s still a daily battle.

I have to tell myself that my identity isn’t found in what I do or how good my grades are, but my identity is found in my Jesus who loves me so much that He DIED for me.


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